1Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, 2older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity. 3Give proper recognition to those widows who are really in need. 4But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God. 5The widow who is really in need and left all alone puts her hope in God and continues night and day to pray and to ask God for help. 6But the widow who lives for pleasure is dead even while she lives. 7Give the people these instructions, too, so that no one may be open to blame. 8If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
While the literal context of these verses may seem far removed from modern day, they bring up some thorny questions I’ve wrestled with since starting in ministry. For example, when it comes to the needy, how do you determine who is worthy of support? Paul is trying to help Timothy sort out this issue in relation to widows, giving him guidance on how to rate the neediness of each case. I run into a similar issue with our church’s discretionary fund. I have about $100 a month to use for discretionary purposes, which usually means helping people who show up on our doorstep. We have a fair number of drop-ins each week looking for assistance. Some of these folks have become regulars and I have gotten to know them. Because of this, I feel like I can better determine who is truly in need and who is taking advantage of us. For example, I took one man to a local gas station to fill his tank and he asked if I would buy him some things from the convenience store. This man had been rather pushy during our interaction but I wanted to help him, so we went inside. He pick up several sandwiches, chips and drinks (“for his kids” he told me) and then asked if I would buy him cigarettes. Cigarettes?!? Are you kidding? I have people coming to me who are sleeping in their cars and don’t know where their next meal is coming from, and this guy wants cigarettes?
I took another lady who is a regular to the local gas station to put fuel in her tank. As I got nozzle out, she shook her head and said, “No, my car only takes premium unleaded.” This was back when premium was over $4 a gallon. And then there’s the lady who comes to us quite frequently looking for help. She drives a Mercedes SUV, always has a nice tan, and has manicured nails.
So, who do you help? Who’s really needy and who’s playing the system? I try to help everyone at least once, but there are some folks I’ve helped more than others because I trust their genuineness and the urgency of the situation. And there are folks I have turned away, even when we had some help available, because I smelled a rat and wanted to put the discretionary funds to the best possible use. Do I feel guilty saying no? Every single time. But I am a steward of those funds, which have been entrusted to me by the congregation to help those in need. I pray to God that I am using them wisely.
9No widow may be put on the list of widows unless she is over sixty, has been faithful to her husband,10and is well known for her good deeds, such as bringing up children, showing hospitality, washing the feet of the saints, helping those in trouble and devoting herself to all kinds of good deeds. 11As for younger widows, do not put them on such a list. For when their sensual desires overcome their dedication to Christ, they want to marry. 12Thus they bring judgment on themselves, because they have broken their first pledge. 13Besides, they get into the habit of being idle and going about from house to house. And not only do they become idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying things they ought not to. 14So I counsel younger widows to marry, to have children, to manage their homes and to give the enemy no opportunity for slander. 15Some have in fact already turned away to follow Satan. 16If any woman who is a believer has widows in her family, she should help them and not let the church be burdened with them, so that the church can help those widows who are really in need.
Several times in this passage Paul emphasizes the importance of family members taking care of their own. Those who don’t are accused of denying the faith and are called “unbelievers.” Those are harsh words from Paul, and are almost impossible to comprehend when viewed through the lens of modern society. Certainly, family members who admit their elderly relative to an Alzheimer’s facility for better care aren’t denying their faith. But the line between making sure our relatives are cared for and abdicating our responsibilities to them is a blurry one.
This doesn’t just apply to elderly relatives. My mother has been dealing with a health issue for several years now that has landed her in the hospital on numerous occasions. Because I live six hours away, I have not been able to be there for her as I would like (and feel I should be). While I know she is getting good care, as her oldest child I feel a strong sense of guilt for not supporting my mom the way she supported me (she was a single parent at age 22). As our parents age (one of the biggest challenges facing families in our church), we will have to wrestle with the tensions brought on by these situations and by Paul’s words.
17The elders who direct the affairs of the church well are worthy of double honor, especially those whose work is preaching and teaching. 18For the Scripture says, “Do not muzzle the ox while it is treading out the grain,” and “The worker deserves his wages.” 19Do not entertain an accusation against an elder unless it is brought by two or three witnesses. 20Those who sin are to be rebuked publicly, so that the others may take warning.
Having worked with some amazing Elders at Community Christian Church, I second Paul’s words here! A double honor hardly seems adequate for the work the Elders have done. It is not a position to be taken lightly, but it also has historically been a notoriously difficult position to fill. This is partly due to the time commitment (Elders serve a three-year term) and partly due to the feelings of inadequacy people feel about being an Elder. I’ve said to the group many times, “If you feel like you’re not qualified or worthy to be an Elder, then congratulations! You’re perfect for the job.” Being an Elder should be a bit daunting because the position is highly regarded in the Bible. It should be taken seriously. Thankfully, the Elders at CCC are the epitome of the biblical definition of Elder.
21I charge you, in the sight of God and Christ Jesus and the elect angels, to keep these instructions without partiality, and to do nothing out of favoritism. 22Do not be hasty in the laying on of hands, and do not share in the sins of others. Keep yourself pure. 23Stop drinking only water, and use a little wine because of your stomach and your frequent illnesses. 24The sins of some men are obvious, reaching the place of judgment ahead of them; the sins of others trail behind them. 25In the same way, good deeds are obvious, and even those that are not cannot be hidden.
“Do not be hasty in the laying on of hands” – In other words, don’t be too quick to fill a church leadership position with the first available warm body. Unfortunately, we do this all too often. I believe our church needs to do a better job of helping people identify their gifts and then helping them find a place within the church to put those to use. I think people join our church and then flounder a bit because we don’t have a system in place to help move them into participation and leadership. We wait for them to tell us what they want to do. That works for extroverts and the highly motivated, but someone’s gift can lay dormant for a long time because the church hasn’t invited them to discover it and use it. We need to do better.
I am at awe on (1) the three examples of “need” identified. I am surprise at (2) the mention of the question of “Do I feel guilty saying no?”and I am also surprise at (3) the response of “Every single time.”
I am a true believer of “Teaching people how to fish and not give people the fish.” I also have a very strict rule for myself of not becoming an “enabler.”
My response to all 3 citations above would have have been no, no, and no. To me a response of yes would be taking the easy way out. …and I have learned so much and grew so much internally by sticking to the road less traveled…
I have heard the saying “begger can’t be chooser.” In fact I have used is on a close member of my family, I held him accountable. Believe it or not, as a result we both have mutual respect for each other and lead a dignify life.
…As human what we need is respect and being treated with dignity. We also have a responsibility to hold each other accountable. Instead of paying for the gas, it would be a loan which I fully expect a repayment. In stead of buying the luches, bread and sandwich meat would be kept in the refrigerator at which I would spend the time and prepare the sandwich with the individual and eat the lunch we made together, together. During the conversation I would explore the need(s), perhaps this he/she needs financial advise, discipline, training, a friend, some support – I’ll seek out the resources of our church family member to assist be it an accountant, a Steven Minister, etc.
…a lot of times people know and can get the money they need…what they really need and at times don’t know how to get is friendship…a sympathetic ear, a hug, or someone to talk to…a break or space for them to relax to refocus…
In stead of buying luch for the individuals in the examples, I would call up a chuch member who is not mobile (be it from illness or from old age), bring lunch or the two or three of us, and spend a meal together. If they offer to pay for luch the money would go toward to the next surprise lunch dates.
Easier said than done and will take years of training and conditioning…